Kenpachi's Nightmare
by Mari03
Summary: Weird security systems, rare weapons collections, queer negligee-like looking armors and Kuchiki Byakuya...rushing after Kurosaki, Zaraki accidentally enters a house where he has to face just too many oddities. WARNING: this story is YAOI.
1. Chapter 1

**Standard Disclaimer** applied. I don`t make money with anything concerning Bleach. (This is ridiculous; it`s not like this fic would be worth a cent^^)

**WARNINGS**:

1, **yaoi**. male on male, one way or the other. Zaraki x Kuchiki, 'supposed' Kuchiki B. x Abarai. 'Mild' hints of MadaramexAyasegawa.

2,**OOCness **may occur.

3,To understand why Yachiru dragged Zaraki exactly into Kuchiki`s mansion, check out Shinigami Golden in Episodes 197-198.

_**AN: **__It was supposed to be a oneshot, but when I finished I realized it`s something like 10 pages long. So I think I just separate it into 3 or so chapters. The completed story will be out within this week._

_**HAVE FUN, FAN GIRLS! **__****__** (-boys too of course, if some got lost and started reading this)**_

_**And of course…dedicated to Veronyx. Or should I say Pyro…? ;-)**_

_**Kenpachi`s Nightmare**_

_**Chapter 1  
**_

"Where`s that BASTARD?!!! "

Zaraki Kenpachi`s voice roared through the mansion's corridors as if he was its legitimate owner.

"I sense him Ken-chan; he must be really near. Tryyy……..hmmmmmm…..THAT WAY!!!!!" Yachiru, practically yelling into Zaraki`s right ear poked the air in a random direction.

"Wait, this house seems familiar. Have we been here before?" Zaraki slowed down his advance to check on the walls closer in detail.

"Anoooooooooo…….have to go now; ya`know - Shinigami Women`s Club`s duties! Koi koi koi meow meeeoooooow!!!"

A whiff of air was the only thing left from Yachiru`s presence.

"The Women`s Club duties…how should I know?" Zaraki mumbled, rummaging about the rooms for any hints to give away Kurosaki`s current whereabouts or – if he was lucky enough, Kurosaki himself.

'Yachiru that brat!!!' he grumbled. "She said that son of a bitch was hiding here somewhere..."

"He HAD been here indeed…" a smooth calm voice stopped Zaraki`s mumbles from turning into full-fledged curses; "…If the name of the one you`ve been searching for is Kurosaki Ichigo."

"Kuchiki! What are you doing here?" Zaraki frowned.

Kuchiki knitted his brows.

"You`ve sensed that bag of human shit too; haven`t ya? Whatever… just remember: when I find him, **I`ll** fight him. Stay out of my way."

"Stay out of…" Kuchiki Byakuya closed his eyes to process even more aloof version of his previous expression.

"This may have slipped your attention: the house you are 'inspecting' at the moment, as well as the gardens around, are in my possession. Technically, it should be YOU staying out of MY way." He said slowly, stressing particularly each syllable; harboring high hopes that this way, they all would make their way through Zaraki`s ears into the target location of his brain.

"Uh…? So that was why it looked so familiar! That urchin `Chiru…" Zaraki grumbled while looking about, his face adopting a wholly new countenance: "So sissyish..." he snorted.

Actually, the room they've been in was more than Spartan. There was nothing more than a mat where Rukia had been recovering from her last mission`s injuries, and a tray with a couple of flasks and a glass half-full (-or half empty, that depends; choose whatever you see fit) of some limpid liquid, most likely water. By the bye, Rukia was also the reason why Ichigo had appeared in Kuchiki's mansion. But by the time Zaraki Kenpachi got there, they both had already set off to Karakura.

"…'sissyish' because it can provide a roof and a floor - unlike any of _your_ favourite dwellings?" The current head of the Kuchiki family said wryly.

"There`re no better places like outdoors. During a fight, buildings are just obstacles," Zaraki retorted. "No Kurosaki here, I`ve got no business here anymore."

With that, he dashed out of the room to continue his search somewhere else.

"Zaraki…And where exactly do you think you are going NOW?"

"Out of this fucking place; isn't that obvious?" Irritated that he couldn`t find the exit quickly, Kenpachi hit his fist against the nearest wall.

Apparently for no reason, his vision went blank.

Then it restarted again.

Well, about that wall…

The whole Kuchiki mansion had been built in the classical 'Soul-Japanese-Society' architectonic style. That meant simplicity. And thin paper-like walls.

However, the present owner had adapted some walls [especially those around his private rooms – the direction where Zaraki accidentally headed now]; and the wall that got punched by Kenpachi`s fist was exactly one of those. It was thicker; and now it became clearly visible that some technique to make it soundproof was used as well.

"Whatta hell`s this…?" Zaraki`s eyes widened in surprise as he peeped through the hole his fist made.

There were………………

… weapons.

Lots of weapons.

Some he knew how they were to be used; some he hadn't imagined they existed. Some looked pretty difficult to handle. And some…

"Don`t tell me; this is the legendary Silver Axe of Lyylli!" Zaraki yelled out of surprise.

"Evidently." The shinigami noble remarked dryly. The axe was made of silver and the hilt bore the signs of Lyylli`s name so it didn't leave that much options for mistaking it with something else.

"Kuchiki, I didn't know you liked these toys so much!"

"There is no need for you to know."

"You`ve got quite a collection here…" his eyes fell upon the not-so-dangerously looking dagger that had the ability to change the flow of spirit particles around – and in – its victim. Zaraki then spotted a katana of a round shape; and tried to guess how THAT thing's bankai might look like – if it had one at all. As next, he eyed a sophisticated gadget; it looked it needed round steel bullets to work – and hurt – properly.

Then he noticed an armor which resembled a short night gown. It was made of very thin plates of some metal that looked very similar to gold…and could (probably) save life and some (private) parts of a mid-height warrior. It was clearly detectable that it had some magic qualities; but Zaraki didn't care. He started to guffaw like a drunken mariner in sight of women in the port after ten months spent on sea, turned away and walked – this time slowly - out of the room in attempt to find his way out of the house. "K….Ku….K`chiki…… u…I don`believeit," he managed to stutter in between his laughing fits.

"…He tends to wear these…shiny lil` negligees!"

Quicker than a blink of an eye, Byakuya moved before Zaraki to block his way out. "Are you afraid of your own kind? Or does the Soul Society suffer under the lack of potent opponents…that you keep on chasing that human."

"Huh?" the captain of the eleventh division knitted his bushy eyebrows and wiped the amused tears away. "I don`t need to explain myself; that`s none of your business." But his eyes were already glinting with passion; so familiar to all battlers. "…unless you mean it as a challenge."

"Indeed."

"Khe, getting pissed that I know what`s giving you the kick?" Kenpachi`s shoulders bounced up and down again, from laughter again.

"Secrets I don`t want to reveal are never to be found out. Not without my consent." Kuchiki stated like a student reading a piece of information from a textbook. "However…" he made a little pause to scrutinize Kenpachi from tip to toe.

"Not bad… maybe…" he mumbled. Then he continued, but this time with clear and firm voice. "I`ve been testing a new - let`s call it technique - lately. Though as much as he tries, my second in command hasn`t been able to provide a satisfactory illustration of all the possible applications it offers. Up to now, he ended up on his back poorly every single time. No, that`s incorrect…" Byakuya added, muttering as if to himself. "Two hundred forty three times it was his belly; and eighty seven times I had him do…….." he cleared his throat, "…ahem…never mind." He finished somewhat abruptly.

"I buy you that; Abarai`s been looking pretty jaded lately. So why not leave him alone and find somebody else to debug your technique? But wait;" Zaraki looked like he suddenly grasped something very blatant, "…if Abarai wasn`t of any help at all…must be some new extra-class combat method, ne…?"

The huge captain suddenly flinched. "So that`s what you`re getting at? Why don`t you say it directly? This is your way of asking me a favor, ain`t it?!"

Zaraki grinned.

It was rumored that Kuchiki played hard, that he always played to win.

It had only one little hitch: Kuchiki, as much as Zaraki knew about him, never played. No matter if it was a showdown or a training session; the sixth division leader was too serious a personality to fit in a gamer`s frame.

And he, facing this type of an opponent, was listening to him talking about a completely new technique –a technique which would be without any doubt exquisitely mortal…Kenpachi`s grin grew into a football stadium size. It was good; at least he wouldn`t be so damn bored until that orange-haired bastard showed up again.

"I`ve got nothing better to do anyway; that chicken-shit fled back to his dimension or who cares to what other shitty place anyway. But I do have one condition that must be met before we start."

The noble snorted. "You are not in position to raise conditions."

"Take it or leave it." Zaraki showed his fangs; "it is _me_ who`s doing a favor for _you_."

Byakuya raised his brow in curiosity.

"I`ll be your opponent and render your new assault useless so you can analyze its flaws. But only if you…" he sniggered, "…wear this glossy thingy;" one of Zaraki`s stout index-fingers pointed at the magic battle armor.

"Why should I? it`s not like I`m--" Kuchiki-captain`s voice trailed off. Still, it took only several moments and his lips twisted in an insidious smile. One fluid gracious movement later, his haori topcoat rustled against the floor. And Kuchiki didn't stop with the topcoat. He didn't, even after catching Zaraki`s supercilious expression.

When he took _all_ of his clothes off and naked, as he was on the day when he came out of his mother`s womb walked to the battle dress; his colleague-captain`s expression didn't bear that much scorn anymore: "Are you stupid…? You cannot wear this type of armor on bare skin!"

"I cannot?" The shinigami captain asked with mock innocence. He put the gown on; slowly, taking his time as if to think about each step of getting this piece of soldiers` equipment on himself.

At last, he wore it on his bare skin; and he didn't even bother to dress anything else.

_**End of Chapter 1**_

_**AN: the second part coming soon (out by 29th May at latest). So.......? You know what you have to do, right?^^**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Standard Disclaimer** applied.

**WARNINGS**: 1, **yaoi**. male on male, one way or the other. Zaraki x Kuchiki, 'supposed' Kuchiki B. x Abarai. 'Mild' hints of MadaramexAyasegawa. 2,**OOCness **may occur.

**_AN_**: does anybody know why is my formatting gone…? oh well, never mind. Here`s the citrus.

_**Kenpachi`s Nightmare (Chapter 2 of 3) **_

The camisole must have been a solid magic piece of some ancient craftsman`s handwork; the moment as the shinigami put it on it looked silken, nothing like metal. It even creased to adjust to his frame as Kuchiki moved through the room. Kenpachi didn't wonder anymore that his colleague chose to wear it the way he did…only if it wouldn't seem too short to fit his size.

"I`m not exactly known for my decency and truth be said I really don`t give a shit about it. But I thought you possessed it in abundance." Zaraki`s right index finger poked out again, this time to point exactly at Kuchiki`s not-at-all-in-a-decent-manner-covered manhood. "Nice sample by the way."

"I`m only meeting the condition you set. Could we start already; or you feel like avoiding your inevitably humiliating defeat a little longer…?"

"Who`s gonna lose?! I`ll show you humiliating defeat…just get your ass outside! "

"Your condition was to wear the Tsume Armour, not to go outside."

"Outside is better."

"Take it or leave it," Byakuya tossed at Zaraki his own words.

"Don`t care… your house, your loss. Don`t give a fit when I make it the same height with the grass."

"We will see…" Captain of the sixth squad Kuchiki Byakuya cracked a cold smile.

-----------------------------

It should have been yet another sparring session. Only each time Kuchiki made a twist, sidestepped or dodged, Zaraki got so distracted that his body was covered in numerous bruises and cuts only minutes after they started.

Well, distracted…of course he was; Kuchiki was fighting in a flashy negligee, having the proof of his virility shown off every time he parried. When he went on the offensive, he had always murmured something what made Zaraki consequently lose control over his body and end up glued to the ground repeatedly.

"Dammit!!! Damn bastard!" he cursed as another energy blast hit him right into the centre of his chest.

"Do you really think you can score with just swear words?" Kuchiki snorted. "I expected you to be more of a challenge."

Zaraki swore again, but this time it was more to curse his own stupidity. Had he known the fucking camisole was embellished with this type of magic, he wouldn't have-- his thoughts stopped in their track. He didn't seem to know how to defy it…yet…but it was positively a battle experience as any other. An entertaining one, on top of that.

He sneered.

In attempt to try out a new plan to repel his opponent, he threw away his sword and started kicking and punching, using merely his limbs. The core of Kuchiki`s offensive wasn't based on his zanpakutou either, so if anything, it made their fight more balanced.

Within another instant, Kenpachi - due to his overwhelming body strength -and body mass, managed to tackle Kuchiki down to pin him under himself to finally rip off the irritating magic gown; smirking victoriously down at his opponent….who was victoriously smirking up at him.

"…Ever heard of the word '_pitfall'?_"

This plan of Zaraki was a success - Kuchiki`s armor was out of their play. But Kuchiki`s reaction made the huge shinigami captain scowl in apprehension.

-----------------------------

"Wha…?!" Zaraki was cut off when Kuchiki shifted and crashed his hips against his.

The noble started mumbling something again and Kenpachi felt his face flush; the uncontrollable want creeping down his flanks into the middle of its unmistakable interest - now, with all the stimulation, aroused to its remarkably…remarkable… full length.

Panting like a steam locomotive; the droplets of sweat started running down his face, his neck…hell, what was there to be ashamed of; his whole body. Slowly, with all the humiliation emerging from the recognition that the incantation transformed his warrior passion into concupiscent one, his brain notified him: his body responded to Kuchiki`s movements. But while he was quickly losing the control which he, as a dominant male ordinarily kept; Kuchiki was _not_ _affected _at all_. _While he got to his abasement too aware how painful his erection had become, Kuchiki appeared more amused than aroused.

"It looks like you have a _hard _time of a problem," he mocked. "Allow me to assist you..."

Within the next second, Kenpachi learnt that the assistance resided in having his trousers torn into pieces.

The magic formulae of his colleague appeared to do their job perfectly; Zaraki felt the last of his control break, his body taking over, acting purely out of its randy instincts.

He grabbed Kuchiki`s knees, spread his legs and positioned himself right at the…..the…right into the right position. Without spending any thought on his training partner`s well-being or comfort, he groaned as the tip of his member pressed against the crevice of his now not-so-hidden road to ecstasy.

When he was exactly at the moment of darting forward, he, mysteriously enough as it was, suddenly found himself on his back with Kuchiki Byakuya smirking into his face, straddling his thighs.

Without mercy that he hadn't been showing either, Kuchiki lightly fingered Zaraki`s pride standing impatiently in front of him as if waiting to be noticed and then harshly grabbed it, drawing an undignified shout from Zaraki which was followed by a loud hiss - and then a moan; when the raven-haired noble, forcing Zaraki`s legs open in the same manner as his were a moment ago, took him into his mouth, sucked hard – and snaked not one but _three_ fingers inside of his definitely taller, larger and by the nature absolutely seme-ish colleague.

"K…K…K`chiki…….I`ll… get you f`this!!!" Zaraki wanted it to sound threateningly. He soooo wanted it.

Instead, he got it out with stammering over each single syllable as his not so little friend from down there of his pants finally released all of its misery. Not into Kuchiki, but into his own hand; as the noble continued playing his cruel games and withdrew his mouth two seconds before Kenpachi finally reached his pinnacle yelling at Kuchiki: "you frigid whoreson!".

Gasping and sweating from the parlous battle experience he had just gone through, Zaraki sensed a cool blade pressing against his throat.

"Accept the defeat."

'So he _**does**_ know how to play…' Zaraki drew a deep breath—and laughed.

-----------------------------

He _did _find it.

There definitely _was_ a way how to surmount that horrifying technique which left him panting and writhing powerlessly (on second thought…not _that _powerlessly; it was more of _willingly_) on the floor.

In the moment of his climax, Kuchiki`s eyes twinkled with entertainment. For that single second, his guard was lowered because he - for some incomprehensible reason - didn't expect any creature to execute any other activity while experiencing a thorough, unfeigned orgasm.

But honestly: do you happen to know a person who would compare Zaraki to any other creature – living or dead?

Dignity is worthless when it comes down to fight; it can't make the sword sharper or anything. So Zaraki, truthful to his warrior morale, wasn`t bothered when he had to ask for requital. He needed two, three…four times more to finally get the timing right. It cost him a lot of sweat, some other body liquids, derision from his training partner and another four orgasms; but his effort finally gave fruit.

Their sixth round was a dogged struggle for dominance. It looked funny since Zaraki had never had to fight for dominance (…during sex). His erection wasn't helping the things; but the longer the clash took, the darker Kuchiki`s eyes turned – and Kenpachi figured out that the soul reaper noble was not as unresponsive and composed as he had been trying to establish. Due to another powerful incantation, he lost the fray yet again; though this time, Kuchiki put all he had into the offensive. (Translation: his defensive cracked, what Zaraki as a matter of course noticed).

Not with the smallest of the jolts, Kenpachi realized he was fairly and truly condemned to playing the bottom. Now it was not only Kuchiki`s fingers what entered him; and as Kuchiki started to move inside of him, his body, due to its lust-eliciting spell-bound state, betrayed him.

Nonetheless his brain was still on his side.

And it gave him a riddle to break his teeth upon.

So far, Zaraki hadn't heard of anybody who would use a lust spell to copulate with their opponents. Some seduced, some violated, but nobody used a lust spell to make their antagonists creep with want for sex, only to provide the remedy - themselves - a moment later. It was very cryptic, Kuchiki Byakuya`s intentions.

The second thought that struck him was more of a flashback. He remembered what Kuchiki told him before this farce started: that he was testing this new _technique_ with his lieutenant who had yet to come up with a proper defense. It sounded almost like beefing when he said that Abarai ended always on his back (with the exception of those couple of hundreds of times when he ended on his abdomen and some other eighty or so times when Kuchiki made him do only God knew what). But if he didn't like Abarai ending the way he did...was it possible that he was so tenaciously waiting for Abarai to figure out a method to press _him_ down…?

Well Zaraki, after seeing what he saw, had to admit that it did Abarai credit. He had some stamina; getting up, getting his missions done and above all _walk, _after being fucked on the daily basis under suchidiotic false pretences like mastering a new technique. Also, for the same above-mentioned reasons, Zaraki mentally crowned Abarai the unbeatable king of all idiots. Or maybe Abarai liked it that way; the captain of eleventh division would have shrugged had his current position allowed that.

But fortunately, he was not Abarai. He needed to be neither respectful nor loyal; and Kuchiki Byakuya seemed to be everything but frigid. He _could_ get aroused. Well, the first part was already done; Zaraki`s ass could tell how much aroused he was. And that alone presented his weak point. It was a chance that his guard would drop some more, once he got somewhere near the finale.

The idea deserved a further exploration, though he wasn`t naïve to think it would go without a sacrifice. He needed to keep Kuchiki stimulated, to play along with him as if he desired to go in this manner all the way. He needed to fight back the influence of incantations; to stay focused, but without diving into delightful sensations his body was giving him.

He needed to swiftly swap their positions when the right time would come.

-----------------------------

He decided the right time came when frequency of Kuchiki`s thrusts equaled those of a rabbit in a rut. They both were right at the edge; but while this was about to be the sixth orgasm for him, it`d be the first one for Kuchiki. The first five acts could have been a planned part of Kuchiki`s foreplay; but now, his body needed the release. It was clearly obvious: his mind concentrated more on keeping the pace of the thrusts than holding Zaraki down.

In between groans, the latter one snickered. The advantage was sitting safely in _his_ pocket.

He clenched his teeth and grind his hips against Kuchiki`s, feeling his body arch against his will. That was the last drop Kuchiki needed; and Zaraki, sensing that this was the right moment to break every spell that had been placed on him, get hold of Kuchiki`s buttocks and rolled over on side, taking his opponent with him. He briskly disengaged his lower half; (the fatal) two seconds before Kuchiki reached his peak.

Introducing slight adjustments to their arrangement, Zaraki did what he thought Kuchiki had been trying to make him do all along: without long ceremonies, as any respectable seme would, he shoved his penis inside of the sixth division`s commander; using strength to hold him down, because it didn't go without resistance.

Few seconds later, when the deed was done, Zaraki found himself blinking down at Kuchiki who was blinking up at him, both expressions equally dumbfounded:

"You know K`chiki…I think I want to see that face again."

"Face…? What face?" Byakuya asked, catching his breath.

"The one you made just minute ago."

"The one I…" Kuchiki bit his lip, getting more than a hint of what Zaraki was planning to do to him.

"Exactly that." Zaraki`s lips twitched in attempt to hide their smile as his hips bucked forward. "Accept your defeat. You lost."

Gasping because Zaraki hit exactly the right place, Kuchiki stuttered. "I`m not certain…I lost…but I..ya…aaaahnnyeeeeeees…do accept."

-----------------------------

After all the 'fighting', manipulations and sneering, Zaraki felt like crying. Kuchiki, when given no chance to get on top of (not only) the situation, looked so damn fragile and slender; if he didn't know better, the illusion of that defenselessness…delusion of his innocent vulnerability…could have intoxicated him.

Hadn`t he known better, he might have become infatuated with the contrasting beauty of smooth damp ivory skin and strands of soft ebony black clinging to it.

If he hadn't been watchful enough, the finely chiseled chest so suggestively moving up and down might have made his fingers addicted to roaming over it over and over again; or to teasing the pink twins of nipples ruling that pale realm.

He leant down for a kiss; and as he did so, Kuchiki bent his legs a little more.

"Why were you playing such a hard-to-get if this was what you wanted all along?" he asked after they broke the kiss.

"And why did you struggle so much when I was the one on top?"

"I`m supposed to be on top. I`m taller."

"So a man taller than his partner is forbidden to learn the delight of receiving?"

"Dunno. I`ve always been the claiming one; I`m male."

"And what am I, an octopus?" Kuchiki frowned.

Zaraki however thought it was more a pout than a frown. He also classified it as a very foxy one. "…Now I wish I would…" he sighed.

"Would what?" Kuchiki asked, quite absent-mindedly, because Zaraki started to move; even if in a very slow pace.

"Be an octopus, of course. I would use two tentacles to hold these--" he ran his hands down the other captain`s thighs, to his knees and lifted his legs. Kuchiki had them instantly circled around his colleague`s waist. "I would use another two to stroke these--" he moved his hands forward to attack the territory of above mentioned pink pair of chest-rulers. "Another one would do this…" one hand shot out to his mouth, forcing inside one finger after another, stopping by the number of three. In respond, Kuchiki started sucking them one after another; and as they came, his tongue had already prepared a special hot welcome for each of them, separately.

The look – well, not only the look - made Zaraki shiver. "I so wish I was an octopus…" he mumbled in a hoarse voice. "I could be doing all of it at once…along with this;" the hand teasing Kuchiki`s left nipple moved down to caress the erected proof of how much of a man Kuchiki was. Kuchiki instantly arched his pelvis and moaned, as much as he could with Kenpachi`s fingers inside of his mouth.

"Did you want something?" Zaraki asked in a huskier voice than two sentences before, withdrawing his fingers from their engagement with Byakuya`s tongue, not without feeling sorry for them.

"No…" the sixth squad`s captain`s respond was more of a groan. "But…I too wish you were an octopus."

"You sure know how to enjoy yourself."

"Of course I would. Who else should?"

Zaraki opened his mouth to say the name of the shinigami whom he expected to know; after all those times he ended up on his back, stomach or some other, closer undetermined body part.

In the last second he decided against it. "I can make you enjoy yourself a little more than this…" he told instead, leaning down for another kiss.

He wasn`t done even halfway yet and Kuchiki was already murmuring something about hopeless idleness of Zaraki`s existing tentacles, thrusting his hips in impatience to prove his point.

_**End of Chapter 2**_

_**AN:**_ ok, I think I`ll never look at the octopus the same way as I did before^^And….. flames are highly appreciated; I moved to work in a country which is much colder than mine home land. I could make use of any extra heat I can get (though it`s true that the spring has already started even here by now…)


	3. Chapter 3

**Standard Disclaimer** applied.

**WARNINGS**: 1, **yaoi**. male on male, one way or the other. Zaraki x Kuchiki, 'supposed' Kuchiki B. x Abarai. hints of MadaramexAyasegawa. 2,**OOCness **may occur.

AN: I dunno, maybe it`s too confusing. The whole chapter is a dialogue of several people…err…shinigami, cutting in one another constantly.

_**Kenpachi`s Nightmare **_

_**Chapter 3 **_

"Taichou! Zaraki taichou!"

Obnoxious voices of the third and fifth seat of his division unforgivably dared to conquer and shatter his dreams. His hand shot forward to grab whoever was standing the nearest, proving the possibility of shaking such stupid ideas out of their heads. The unluckier one was seemingly Madarame Ikkaku.

"Taicho-o-o-o-ou!!! We must go, we`ve been assigned a new mission! There is a large number of menos heading tow--"

"Shut your trap, Madarame! After what that bastard Kuchiki did to my ass I don`t feel like walking anywhere right now. But after what _I_ did to _him…_I guess he won`t be able to stand up for at least a month.

"Taichou…" Ayasegawa`s eyes grew to become an accurate mirror for his bewilderment. "You…I`ve never thought you`d need me to tell you this, but Captain Unohana has a supply of a balm mixed that is extremely effective in cases like ours. I happen to need more of it anyway; if you want I can bring you some to reserve. And do you think Captain Kuchiki also--"

Zaraki finally released the front of kimono which contained by that time pretty shaken Madarame.

"Quiet, Ayasegawa. If you intend to be of service to Kuchiki, you better prepare that all of your troubles start wearing red hair."

Yumichika shot him a weird look and exchanged glanced with Madarame who only shrugged.

Kenpachi took his sweet time to look about; only to realize that he had been taking a nap under some tree (at this point, his memory refused to provide a satisfactory explanation how he had gotten there) near front of the closed gate of Kuchiki`s residence.

Speak of the devil…

…and the devil`s adjutant appears.

"Abarai…" Kenpachi stood up. Hadn't it been for the smirk that turned into something unspeakably twisted, somebody might have come to a mistaken conclusion that Zaraki harbored some respect for the newcomer.

"Captain Zaraki, I see your subordinates have already found you. Good, that means you don`t need me to wake you up or notify upon latest events."

"That`s a question; who needs to be notified. I have a good news for you Abarai. From now on, your ass can rest. The fuck sessions that your captain call 'training'will stop."

"Fuck…sessions…?" It seemed that blood from Renji`s face poured off somewhere else as he gulped and paled, daring the clouds above him into a contest in whiter white. Nevertheless, the grab on the hilt of his zanpakutou was a clear message what he thought about the matter.

And Kenpachi`s eyes already glittered with want to fight.

"It`s damn entertaining how respect and loyalty stand in your way. If you knew how acquiescent that stud Kuchiki turns once you saddle him, you would never ever let him 'train' you ol`doggy doggy again. You would get the fuck of your life instead."

The lily white of clouds was no match for Abarai`s. By now, his petrified state and pallid face could have beaten even a plain of virgin snow. On the contrary, Madarame`s and Ayasegawa`s faces flushed with various shades of red.

"…`ol doggy doggy…that`s a good position," Ikkaku nodded his agreement.

Ayasegawa`s decently pinkish cheeks turned into bright scarlet.

Some when in between the words Abarai unsheathed and attacked. Zaraki didn't have any problem to parry the hit.

And the second.

The third one.

Then the fourth.

By the fifth he grew bored and decided to go on offensive.

Yet just before he made the decisive move, something tackled him from behind and he wavered – and fell forward – on Abarai, who had been given neither chance nor time to dodge.

"Ken-chaaaaan!!! There are many many many menos coming! We must go to human world now, it`s gonna be fuuuuuun!" Yachiru, practically dancing on Zaraki`s back, had him probably promoted on her personal trampoline.

A pained groan resounded from somewhere under Zaraki.

"Ken-chan? What are you doing on Aba-aba?" She inquired, finally jumping off on the ground, then noticed and poked into one of Kenpachi`s cheeks (you know which I mean). "And where have you left your pants?" Aaaah, now I get it! It`s the same ritual which Ikka-chan and Yummy-chan do before and after their missions!"

"The ritual…? Wha…" Madarame blushed rose-red when he realized what exactly was Yachiru talking about.

"Ritual…that`s a beautiful appellation."Yumichika sighed. "…But wait; that means she _saw _us! That`s not nice, Ikkaku!" A sound of a slap ringed through the air - and the said demon touched the red phantom of his friend`s palm branded on his face. "You said there was nobody except you around that could see me like that!!!"

"Well sorry about that Yummychika…"

"Ikkaku! The names you are giving me are very un-beautiful!!!"

"It wasn`t me who came up with the name…"

"You don`t repeat any other nicks that Yachiru-chan uses, so why this?"

Ayasegawa looked quite displeased, hurling accusations like that, and pouting. Madarame on the other hand looked quite pleased.

"…guyyyyys…….could somebody help me out…?" Abarai whined.

One look at his captain, and they knew that Zaraki for some reason didn't intend to move an inch.

"Renji."

The cool voice of the commanding officer of the sixth division drew all their attention.

"Kuchiki taichou! H…how long have you been standing here, taichou…?" a choking voice from under Kenpachi resounded.

"K`chiki!" The commander of eleventh division greeted him with a smug grin: "…Doesn't walking hurt?"

"Zaraki." Byakuya threw an icicle of a frown at him. "Next time, I would appreciate if you chose some other house to barge in. Though my security system stopped you from further advance, you suffered the loss of consciousness. I had to order some of my staff to carry you out. Do you understand how many unnecessary complications your carelessness put me and my division through?"

"Huh…?" was Zaraki`s intelligent respond, paying more attention to the way his body started to react to him than to his words.

"It is truth Captain." Abarai, still lying on the ground in a pancake state - and now also forced to witness the changes of the body above him, wheezed out. "Everything you have…mentioned…that was happening…is only your illusion. It`s the way Kuchiki-taichou`s security system works; it combines everything what it can get out of the 'victim`s' head. It weaves fantasies, memories…even desires into a dream-like illusion from which nobody wants to wake up. That gives my captain time to assess the situation and get rid of the intruder."

"That can`t be…no security system can make Zaraki Kenpachi faint…" Madarame knitted his brows.

"Well…this one can."

"K`chiki." Zaraki`s voice dressed into sinister, almost threatening tone: "So it was not real. There were not you in that cursed lil` negligee. Not you, trying out a new technique that is nothing more than excuse for sex. Not you mocking me with lust spells, and them mocking me with recoiling when I`m coming. Not you, so perverted when being on top and so wanton when playing the bottom. Not you, shouting Abarai`s name right into my face when I`m making you come."

They all heard a gasp, followed by incoherent mumbling: "…captain…yelling _my _name…during orgasm…Kuchiki taichou…while having sex…crying out my name…in Zaraki`s head…"

"If nothing of this is real…" Zaraki went on, "…then tell me Kuchiki: why is my body and ass reacting like this - when it never happened?"

"I suppose it`s the aftereffect of the dream you had." Kuchiki offered a dry explanation. "It should fade away within a couple of weeks."

"Wh…weeks?!"

"That`s another forestallment of my security system. It taught you the lesson you needed to learn. You should be thankful."

Zaraki snorted at that.

"What Byak-kun says sounds like fun I`ll try it out too when we come back but now it`s not time for that so coooooome because Ichi-chan won`t wait and when we get there there will be left no menos to play with us!" Yachiru started spouting like the words were Tommy gun-bullets and shinigami around her enemies.

"Kurosaki`s there?! Why don`t you say it first!!!" Kenpachi was that instant on his feet, pulling out Zabimaru that accidently pierced his side when he fell on (now finally freely breathing and sitting up) Abarai; ready to dart forward into (yet again) by Yachiru randomly chosen direction.

And then it hit him.

"If fucking you was just a dream; then whatta hell has happened to my pants?" He growled at Kuchiki.

"I know nothing about the way your attire looks like. Most likely you hadn`t been wearing any when you broke into my dwelling."

At this, one of Renji`s brows arched, as he sent his captain a scowl.

Ayasegawa took a notice of it, but decided to take a more beautiful approach than the direct one.

"That`s one smelly bullshit what you`re trying to sell, Kuchiki. I don`t buy this one." He snapped.

"Don`t go thinking that I`m finished with you;" Zaraki suddenly spat at Abarai. "I`ll find you and fight you after this damned mission is over and after I beat the hell out of that monkey-head human bastard!"

With that Zaraki flitted away with screeching Yachiru on his shoulder.

"So it seems that you are the only one left who`s in need of Captain Unohana`s special balm…" Madarame pointed out.

"Do you think so…?" Ayasegawa peeped at his friend`s backside and flitted after their captain, leaving furiously blushing Madarame, completely discomposed Abarai and aloof looking Kuchiki behind.

"Y…Yumichika! Wait!!!"

With that, all the staff belonging to the eleventh division disappeared from their sight.

"I think Kurosaki`s world is in a real danger if Captain Zaraki`s division always takes so long after being given a mission." Abarai sighed.

"You are the last one to complain about tardiness;" Kuchiki`s look pierced right through his vice-captain. "I sent you out with that trash half an hour ago. You should have resumed your duties by now."

"Yessir." Abarai cast his eyes down and stood up; however, not planning to remain mute.

"I have no idea how…but you knew it all along, haven` you? I mean what he was dreaming about…"

Kuchiki put on an indifferent expression.

"That was why you wanted me to strip him of his pants and incinerate them."

Kuchiki`s indifferent expression continued to stick to his face without change.

"I bet you somehow learned to manipulate illusions your security system evokes and you chose this special one to crack this sick joke on Zaraki."

Byakuya`s face and frame were epitomes of a marble statue.

"…And the way you addressed me…you called me by my first name, in front of the others. That must have given the seats of Zaraki`s division quite a picture..."

The mask of indifference cracked a little, but only as a twitch of his lower lip.

"With all the respect I have to your person taichou; speaking with as much frankness as you and your status deserve - you are one hopeless case of a pervert. Doing this to one of your colleagues…just what has Captain Zaraki done to you? It can`t just be for the barging into your house…"

"Renji; go inside." Kuchiki said slowly and so emphatically that he made his lieutenant shudder. "From now on, I am going to personally see to all of your training sessions."

"Taichouu…" Abarai sniveled."Why`s that suddenly necessary, taichou!"

"And Renji…Kurotsuchi had made some improvements to that security system which caught Zaraki. Now it is also recording the fantasies it evokes. I want you to watch Zaraki`s after we`re finished. It might be rather instructive."

Abarai groaned. "I don't think I need this type of instructions." After all Zaraki had said, he got a very good notion of what it was going to be like. (Hard porn, starring your boss. That`s how Renji felt.)

"To let such an opportunity slip…it`s truth that your zanpakutou cut right through him; you must think you are stronger than Zaraki, then." Kuchiki snorted in disagreement. "Lust and desire are traitors; they always betray those who open their hearts to them. By watching where Zaraki`s desires drag him, you might be able to figure out his nature`s weak point - and use it to your advantage when you stand against him next time."

"When you put it this way it almost sounds sensible. Can I refuse?"

"It was an order."

"I thought so," Renji sighed; and with a step of a millennia old man lugged himself inside.

_**The End **_

_I hope you enjoyed! Hell, this is the craziest thing I`ve ever written; it`s not necessarily logical or coherent but hey, it`s a yaoi story. So what`s the matter anyway:-)) _

_Review. Flames accepted; the weather is about to turn cold again.___


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